


Footstep

by kizaten



Category: Free!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, Pillow thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-19 12:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3609666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kizaten/pseuds/kizaten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last discussion Haru and Rin had after the failed freestyle race has done nothing but make him doubt over and over again. Everyone in the swim club is worried and finally tell him to face the problem and look for the help he needs. After the break before nationals, he needs to feel better to be able to stand it, but nobody said it was easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [El paso](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3609603) by [kizaten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kizaten/pseuds/kizaten). 



> Pain and frustration. This is between episodes 9 and 12.

It was after yelling at him. He could admit to be as twice surprised with what happened, Haruka had screamed and even gave quite a hit to something close. If someone was shocked, it hadn’t been only Rin, or the whole Iwatobi team, but Haruka himself.

Rin was right, it was really difficult to get any reaction from him, Haruka wasn’t used to show a thing, yet that time happened, and in an extreme way.

“Your comrades are worried about you, Nanase”, she began the chat once the staff room’s door was closed.

Haruka stopped by the table, left his stuff beside it and sat in his rightful place as the interviewee. He said nothing. And his face neither showed a thing.

“And so am I” The teacher's voice sounded just as sweet as always, but clearly, she had serious things to say.

Haruka could see it, she would talk about what happened, maybe say something about what the scouters or the principal would be thinking, she would cite one or two famous phrases and then hide her disappointment. It was curious, Haruka could conclude such things about others, but not about himself.

“Nanase, do you have the career choice form with you?”

He didn’t answer, just moved to pick it out of his schoolbag. He extended it for the teacher, but she didn’t take it. The paper layed on the table.

“I think that what has happened lately and this have so much in common” She continued “I don’t want to rush in to conclusions, but I think that the solitude in which you have lived over this years  could be refraining you to aim for something, well, since you don’t have a model to follow or discard. But, to be true, what you have as guidance it is something that is entirely determined by yourself: your skills and talents.

Haru didn’t like when others started to get conclusions over his life so easily. He didin’t thought that the relationship he had with his family was a psychodrama to be analyzed, it was precisely because of the type of relationship they had that he was on his own.

“It's not it.” He murmured note ven trying to be heard. He didin’t wanted to give an answer that could extend the conversation and turn it into dialogue, talking to the teacher would be somewhat annoying.

Luckily, she kept quiet for a couple of minutes while stretching out her hand over the paper, sliding it towards Haru.

“Have you thought better at this, Nanase?”

The first time Haru was questioned by the teacher in relation to what was written on paper, he had the answer clear in his mind. But right now, thinking about it seemed to be more complicated. A part of him was also waiting for an answer for what free meant. It was definitely not as clear as it appeared wroten in the paper.

Given the silence, Amakata left a loose breath free in the room. She got up and took some papers she had left there before, when she returned to her seat, she focused her eyes on the student. The expression on his face betrayed him, showing to the teacher that something was wrong. It was hard to define what this 'something' was, but that it was showing now was more than enough.

“Nanase, you have to talk to someone. It's pretty clear you won’t do it with your team mates, nor with me,” she placed a card upon the form right in front of Haru’s eyes. The card covered the space where the strokes of  _free_  showed up on the White paper. “Take it into consideration.”

Haru picked up his stuff again, the form and the card as well, and left the room after a small bow and the usual protocol between teacher and student. Makoto was waiting in the hallway, he had the on his expression that characteristic patience  he always had, and yet, Haru could notice some anxiety around them. Makoto wanted to make questions, it was really clear for him and all this obviousness made him wonder who would be the one who spoke with the teacher.

They walked back home. Without even talking at all, the few words Makoto dared to say  were answered with silence or monosyllables from the other. Haru was almost certain all the way that his presence was really an annoyance for the taller one.

When he was finally alone at home, waiting for the bathtub to be full, Haru sat quietly at the table, with the form and the card the profesor gave to him in front of him. It had a phone number and the name of the doctor whoever, psychologist. Haru stood up and walked to the bathroom, completely convinced that he had nothing to say to a therapist. Clearly, his life was not a psychodrama.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, after spending one, maybe two hours in the bathtub, Haruka stayed at home with Makoto more time than planed. As they left, a strange and awkward silence accompanied them passing Makoto’s house and a little further. Although it was unbearabl, Haruka didn’t dare to break all that tension with a simple "What?", as always, he kept  resisting to start a conversation.

“Haru” Finally spoke the taller. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” he answered automatically, turning his head towards the sea. He didn’t wanted to see that look on Makoto, his eyes fixed with concern on him, perhaps with pity. As if Haru was dying right in front of him and there was nothing to be done.

The rest of the journey went on in silence. Makoto tried to talk occasionally,  about trivial issues that needed no answer at all; Haru thought it might be easier to continue, without saying anything.

They arrived just in time for class. Haru had to spend several hours with only one thought in mind, looking through the window waiting impatiently for the time to enter the pool to come.

He was grateful when he heard the bell ringing, announcing the end of the school day, he quickly packed his things and left the classroom towards the club, followed by Makoto of course.

The kind of expression the teacher would have when Haru appeared on the poolwas predictable. The greeting she gave him was hidding a lot of things, and Haru didn’t really answered with attention, it was an automatic response, like the speed with which he plunged into the water.

It was only then when Haru could breathe. Inside the water he would finally forget the color of yesterday’s sunset, the smell of the staff room, the teacher's words and even his own reaction to the subject. Towards  _free_.

After a solitary round on the pool, Haru could tell he wouldn’t have to explain anything, he could be sure that Amakata would have answered every single question the others had. Makoto, Rei and Nagisa moved and began with their own regimens; but Gou couldn’t hide her concern at all. It was probably, Haru thought as he passed by to back up and start over, that this would be the very second time she’d heard about the situation. Counting this and the fact that she hadn’t been present in the locker room that day, she was dismissed as the initiator of the conversation with the teacher.

He gave no more importance to it, the only thing that got his attention now was water. And so he decided to keep his mind like this until the practice ended.

Once the noon came and everyone left the pool heading to the showers, not a single word was spoken about the issue. Nagisa, as expected, was as loud as always, and it seemed that they had no intention on questioning Haru at all, which had him, apparently, fairly on ease.

Makoto finished changing clothes and waved good-byes to Nagisa and Rei, who headed back home before him, discussing their own issues. He returned to the pool and found Haru there, just as he had imagined,  sitting on the edge of it with his feet in the water. He crouched, being almost at Haru’s level, staring with the same concern he had in their way to school that morning.

“All right?”

Haru turned his head facing the taller one and dropped the towel that he had over his head, slidding it to his shoulders. His expression didn’t change at all, the eye contact lasted just as much as it had to and nothing more, Haru replied with a barely audible “hum”  as his only answer once his eyes moved away from Makoto’s gaze.

“Want to come to have dinner at my house?” Makoto asked setting his eyes on the waves of the pool too.

“I'll swim a little longer.”

Haru stood up and placed in the starting platform without saying a word, that was enough to answer the other and avoiding any possible discourse.

Inside the wáter he was able to feel better, nothing mattered. It was a state of calm that Haru was wishing to length as much as he could. It was light, simple, swimming by his own he had no pressure, no time, no marks, there wasn’t even a reason to respect the rails. The pool was enterely his. Being in the water while the light started to fade was his only thought in mind.

Once evening came, he was forced to leave the pool by school rules reastrictions. As he returned to landfall and no longer felt the moisture he had while swimming he felt incredibly uncomfortable. He became aware of his breathing and it was unbearable to him. Walking was tedious, putting one foot after the other on the ground, and what to tell about carrying the weight of his schoolbag. Stifling.

Haru hurried, the faster he moved the sooner he could get rid of all that. He started running, clumsily and even gasping. Desperate. Chased by the voice of Amakata, the freestyle race, the team, the recruiters, the afternoon at the club, the things said there that he didn’t listened to, and his own thoughts. Suffocating.

He was afraid, with an irrational fear of drowning on the asphalt crushed by all that fear.

He climbed up the stairs to his house, panting. He opened the door with some difficulties, he was shaking. He crossed the door without even taking off his shoes and ran to find refuge, not to the bathtub, but to his bed. All he wanted was to hide. Hide and stop breathing.


	2. Chapter 2

Makoto knocked the door once, twice, three times, and just like very day, there was no answer coming form the inside of the house and sneaked in through the back door. He was on his way to the bathroom, thinking on how dangerous it was that Haruka always left the back door open when he was suddenly really surprised. The bathroom was empty, there was no trace of water in the bathtub, and of course he began to worry.

“Haru?” He called with nervousness as he closed the bathroom door. What if leaving the back door unlocked had finally endangered Haru? He was scared, very scared.

“Haru?”

He walked towards the bedroom, stopping for a bit before knocking or entering there. He Heard no answer and slid the door. It was dark inside, the curtain was closed and only a fine line of light entered from over the curtain rod on the bed, under the messy sheets, there was Haru, wearing his pajamas and not moving. Makoto moved slowly, calling once again hoping fro the other to rise or at least give an answer. Luckily for him, Haru moved, letting go og a slight complain-like sound and sat on the bed, leaning against the window. He looked tired and his eyes were really darkened.

“Did you stay up late at the pool?” Makoto asked when Haru got up and passed him on his way to the closet.

“Yes” he answered giving him his back.

Once he changed clothes, Haru was persuaded to leave the house without taking the time to prepare a proper breakfast or a lunch box, it was too late and they didn’t have enough time for anything else but for buying something on their way to school. Makoto was a bit worried for their constant delays in class.

Actually, Haru wasn’t hungry, it was enough for him to go with the lunch he purchased for noon and ate together with the swimteam. It was a surprise that Makoto didn’t bring up the subject of what had happened earlier in the morning, despite how unusual it was to find Haru in these conditions; even trhough Makoto wasn’t used too talk that much, it seemed like he was saving more things for himself lately. All this made it easy for Haru to conclude that it was by him that the teacher heard what happened in the regional event. Even with all that,  he didn’t gave it importance.

Unlike the previous day, Haru didn’t stay longer in the pool after practice was over, he was called a second time to the boardroom to talk to Amakata. Although it wasn’t really clear for him what would the talk would be about this time, he knew very well he wouldn’t want to see any of the club members when the conversation ended, so he asked Makoto not to wait for him this time. He agreed with a smile.

When he entered the room, the teacher wasn’t there yet. Haru left his schoolbag on the desk and leaned against it breathing out like something that was hardly a sigh. After a few minutes of waiting, he sat into the chair across the desk, took out his pencils and sketchbook and started to draw by memory the swim club’s pool. When the teacher came in he hardly looked up to face her, he only stopped making strokes when she sat in front of him.

Different of what he thought, the subject of last meeting card didin’t showed up. Professor Amakata only asked quite trivial things, like how he was doing, or how about practice, his teammates, etc.

It took less time than the previous meeting and Haru was able to go before the sky changed its blue tones for the golden sunset ones. Under other circumstances he would have thought it had been just a useless waste of time, but not now. Yes, he did had lost time, but at least it had served to withdraw from the others.

His answers were simple although the questions the teacher made did required more attention. Haru had quite thought about his situation with the team and practices, and he wasn’t really convinced that everything was as he said. It was clear that something didn’t have him completely satisfied with all that, and this something had just  pushed him to a such degree of anxiety last night.

 _Talking to someone_ , he thought on what the teacher said. He was merely walking instinctively towards the station.  _Talking to someone_. It was unthinkable. He remembered the card and how he lost his breath; the dream he had before the race that detoned all this mess, the silence and looks around him. There were so many things he just couldn’t say.

Haru was feeling sick. He hated complicated or annoying things and just now he was trapped in his own complication, unable to leave it and this despair kept growing each day.

  Tired of it he sat outside the station, trying to breathe and escape from the sensation of drowning that had been suffocating him lately. He rested his arms on his legs and his head in his hands, compressing himself, pretending not exist. Alone, calming down, trying to ignore the noises of the crowded place.

“Ah! Haruka-senpai!” he heard a distant murmur and yet refused to look up, standing still was his best option if he wanted to be unnoticed. Among the tumult of disordered steps, he heard the previous sound gradually approaching to where he was.

“Haru.”

It was this second voice what finally made him look up, making him automatically face up meeting with the red eyes of the one who called his name.


	3. Chapter 3

He’d rarely met both Matsuoka at the same time, and that it happened right then wouldn’t be easy for Haru.

The three of them were sitting on the same bench, Haru was in the middle, with the redheads on each side of him, cornered, but somehow, this helped gave him to try and calm down again.

Despite the opportunity to divert the attention from him making questions about them, Haru remained in almost total silence, forced to answer, but evasively, to each word the others spoke.

Rin began to lose his nerves as he tried to talk to Haru and the only thing he had as a reply were such as vague answers, and when this kind of thing happened, he ususally began to scream. Fortunately, Gou could notice how his brother was losing his patience and decided to leave. Perhaps if she left them alone, Haruka would talk a little more, and so, using anything as an excuse to leave, Gou disappeared.

Haru was uneasy but he still tried to hide it.  Meeting up with Rin reminded him everything that he was fighting to forget, the competition, him dream, the future. Future he wasn’t able to imagine yet.

“Weren’t you supposed to be in Samezuka?” Haru asked, convincing himself that  it would be easier to avoid talking by making Rin answer instead. Easier, but not less annoying.

“I had time, and Gou asked me to come and visit her whenever I could,” Rin replied with honesty. “And you? Why did you came to the station?  Planned to go somewhere?”

“I was just walking.W

Rin jumped up, Haru's eyes were fixed on him with confusion. Did something happened? Rin turned and looked back at him with complete seriousness on his gaze.

“Come” His voice sounded like an order.

“What?”

Matsuoka moved forward and took his arm, making the other to stand up with a quite strong pull. Haru was dragged by him following the same path the black haired took to the station. He wasn’t meekly following, his voice kept demanding explanations he didn’t receive. Moving much of the way by force, Haru managed to release himself and thereby stop his captor.

“What's the matter?” Rin asked as he turned to face him. He didn’t even bothered to let Haru finish his vague answer. “I know you spend every free minute you have in the water, swimming or in your bathtub; I could even think that maybe drawing, but definitely not walking. You wouldn’t do this just to spend time, you are distracted by something, isn’t it? Tell me, what's wrong?”

Hau's expression changed as Rin's voice continued with his conclusions. It was terrible, frustrating, how could he’d known all? Haru steped back, his throat went dry and it seemed like he was trembling again. He wanted to deny it, again and again, deny it out loud and run, but he couldn’t move beyond that single step backwar. Rin was approaching and he was paralyzed, he couldn’t escape, or breath.

And the worst part was not being able to think of an answer.

“Haru?”

Enough! he wanted to scream. Rin took another step and he was about to drown. It was like bringing back what started all these questions about the future that he was so tired to hear and the discussion in the dressing room.

  _What if I hit him this time?_ It was quite strange how he could remain stoic in front of Makoto and the rest, but if it was Rin, he couldn’t help but think so many things. Somehow, he incited him too hard to do anything. And it was just how he’d always been, since he’d met Rin Matsuoka on elementary school, the only thing he’d done was to turn his life and move it hastily.

Suddenly, Rin had him, grabbing his shoulders as he kept calling him, he didn’t looked as serious like before, and even a little worried.

He said nothing. Rin let go of him, taking slowly away his hands.

“I'll take you home.” He muttered and returned to the road where he had dragged Haru to move, apparently this time he was feeling more calmy.

“I can go by myself” Haru replied when the other passed next to him.

“Of course not.”

Haru didn’t fight anymore. They walked slowly and, despite that, Haru was terribly tired when they got home. He couldn’t remeber when was the last time he felt so exhausted, he didn’t even felt his breath lacked like this after practicing, but talking about swimming made everything different.

When he opened the door and crossed it, he was followed by Rin who broke inside as if he also lived there and made sure of closing the door as Haru was taiking off his shoes. Once the blueyed finished with that, he silently crossed the hall and went upstairs, waiting for Rin to leave, but he didn’t. After a few minutes he went down again and found him leaning against the railing of the stairs.

“I'm staying here tonight.”

“It's not something you can decide on your own.” Haru replied with some irritation as he made his way to the kitchen. Apparently, now he’d had to cook mackerel for the other too.

“Well, I already did. Besides, I told you I had time. They don’t need me at Samezuka until tomorrow afternoon and it has been a long since the last time I stayed here.”

As always, Rin sounded like if he was only thinking on himself, and that selfish way of proceeding always ended up by draggin Haru with him. With him there seemed to be no choice, there wouldn’t be "no" strong enough to stop him. And the proof was the way in how he entered to Haru’s house. There was nothing that he could stop him, not now. And that was exactly what affected Haruka’ nerves.


	4. Chapter 4

It was dark. The only light was the one up in the dining room and it extended to the garden and a little towards the kitchen to the other side. Rin was there, washing dishes dimly lit without making more noise than necessary. Haru was lying on the floor, fatigue didn’t allow him to sit longer and as Rin stood up with the dishes he settled there with half of his body under the table, regardless of being seen by the other. Despite how tired he was, he wasn't sleepy.

When Rin returned to the room wiping his hands he found Haru in that position and holding a sheet of paper in front of his face which he tried to hide just as  he saw Rin there. He didn’t say a word, pretending he didn’t see nothing and that Haru had been fast enough hiding the paper.

He sat in the place he occupied when they were having dinner, to the left of Haru, sitting cross-legged and also folding his arms on the table, resting his head on them. He let out a long, heavy sigh and lay still.

After half a minute in silence, Haru got up using his arms to a sitting position. "If you're so tired, you should go to sleep" he though when he saw Rin so still and with his eyes closed. Haru stood up and moved to accommodate everything to leave it ready for them to sleep,  as he passed where the other sat, Rin sat up staring at him.

“Have you made up your mind to sleep already?”  He asked.

Haru didn’t reply, after looking him getting up he went on his  way to the second floor. Rin was after him turning off the lights he left on on his way upstairs.

“The Funton is in the closet,” Haru whispered from the bathroom’s door as Rin finished climbing up the stairs and turned off the last light. “I don’t think my clothes fit you, but you could try if you want to.”

The bathroom door was closed. It was not that he’d given up, but think again on taking further this discussion of  Rin staying to sleep would be pretty annoying, and pointless, it was too late and it was obvious that he couldn’t return to Samezuka that night.

When he entered his room, the light was off and he left it that way. Next to his bed was settled the futon and Rin lying there, which made it a bit difficult to get to his place without mocking him. He took his place on his bed and tried to keep his eyes closed and sleep, but it was useless. Lately it was really hard to catch sleep, for some reason, it was now doubly difficult knowing he was accompanied.

He thought he already had an hour being harassed by the recent insomnia like that, although it wouldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes. It was unbearable to stay awake, desperate, being crushed by the silence had him sick, imprisoned like this it was hard not to kept thinking and that was overwhelming. It was imposible to evade his anguish being like this.

He turned on the bed, frustrated, struggling with himself and squeezing his eyes tightly, motionless, requiring himself to sleep and stop thinking.

“Haru ...” he heard the other's voice and felt a strange vertigo through him, like waking from a nightmare.

He opened his eyes, almost afraid of not being able to shut them again, and he found himself facing Rin, He had his elbows on the mattress and the blanket over his shoulders. His hair was messy, it didn’t look as if he’d just awakened, surely he couldn’t sleep either; his expression reminded him the little Rin of years ago, and seeing him in the darkness and so close seemed to eliminate the heaviness of the air around them.

“I had no idea of what you were thinking in the tournament” Rin murmured once he became aware that he was identified by the other's eyes. “I didn’t bothered to ask you  and I laid my assumptions. I wanted to believe that you felt the same and I queried this without any right at all.”

Haru was still. He pulled his eyes away from the other, unable to keep the weight of his gaze, even with all the darkness, Rin's eyes were too much for him. Rin was talking with quite confidence, with that openness and frankness that they hadn’t had in years. Perhaps never, talking of words, it was more the type of communication that they had in the water, but yet not so complex.

Rin sat in the place he was, grinding a little the bed, he exhaled and returned his eyes to where Haru's face loomed from under the covers.

“I'm sorry,” Rin's voice was very clear, reaching the interest of Haru and making those blue eyes return to find him one again. “It was really selfish, right?”

“Actually, “Rin leaned a little closer to hear the voice of Haru barely coming out from under the coverlet, “You’ve always been like that.”

“Maybe. It's just that when it comes to swim with you I can’t help thinking you're on the same frequency as me. Now I see it’s not so...”

Hearing that was something really bitter.  _Why did he had said that in the locker room?_  Rin looked different, it was not easy to define what was in his expression, but he was thankful not to see in it the look Makoto put on him every day. Rin didn’t looked at him as if he was a lost cause.

“I thought racing could reduce the distance.”

“Distance?”

Rin was silent for a while, bowed his head down and seemed to be lost for a momento. Haru even thought about passing the hand in front of his face to see that he was still awake, luckily it was not necessary.

“I always felt like I should catch up with you”,  continued Rin. ”I don’t know how to say it, but... I think I do everything so much better if I know you'll be there, maybe it’s what they call inspiration. The truth is that I never imagined I could reach your level at some point.

Only Rin could say something like that so naturally. Only an incurable romantic as he would be able to drop a thought like that in such a situation. Inspiring him? Haru to him? He was there, lying in the dark and lately had done nothing but hide, moving only by inertia and ended frustrated and overwhelmed. Destroyed. There was no way someone like that would inspire someone.

He clasped his hands and looked away again. Silence returned to the room and smashed Haru to the bone, usually he would stand to be silent, but now he couldn’t do it anymore. What Rin had said wasn’t something he could just ignore.

"I thought something similar,”  his voice finally appeared “Maybe I still do. I always thought you were someone very firm in his decisions, someone who always knows what he wants and how to get it. But I’m not like that ...”

Rin moved, perhaps changing the support he had on the bed, resting his elbows and arms pressing them to the mattress to place his face over his folded arms as well. Haru didn’t look at him, it was easier to keep talking if he couldn’t see the reaction that his words caused on Rin.

“You were always an example of what is achieved with effort, how the goals were achieved in motion and hard work and not just staying, waiting. And I definitely wasn’t like you, and wouldn’t have ever tried to be like that. When you went to Australia... I knew you’d improve, and if you came back, you'd be on a level different from mine. You'd be better. And I would end up being left behind. But when you came back everything was very different...”

He paused for a moment knowing how painful it was the theme for both of them. And precisely because of this he should continue and finally release what crossed his mind about it.

“I was trying to enter a world you wanted to leave... And I wanted to leave too.”

Rin was quiet, this was probably the first time that Haru spoke that much of something he thought. And as it progressed, he could feel how much he had influenced on the other with his actions.

“I became competitive because of you,” concluded Haru and rolled over the mattress again. He couldn’t hold Rin’s gaze after exposing himself like that.

He heard the bed creak again and could feel the mattress changing with Rin’s movements. What was he doing?

“Do you plan to call the doctor?”

Haru got up and stayed there, sitting in surprise and shock with his hands over the messy sheets just in the place he rested them to get up. How did he...? Rin was sat on the edge of the bed, with one of his legs on the bed, near to the spot where Haru put his hands to sit up. He looked as if he had said something horrible. It was obvious that it was a complicated issue. It would be easier to stick with the romance of before. And much more enjoyable.

“I saw the card when you were making dinner…” he cleared.

Haru's reaction was very exaggerated, so much that it made Rin move again, this time he stepped closer, putting a hand on the other's shoulder. Haru followed as close as he could his movement, unable to say anything.

“I wish I could help you,” he murmured, and it sounded like he’d really tried everything on his hands, and it was true, he’d done so much more tan the others, starting with approaching when he noticed the problem. “I want to take you out of your confinement, but I do not know what else I could do.”

 _Closure_. It was something curious that Rin mentioned it, after all, his frustration was moved by not being able to define his long-awaited  _freedom_. And even though he hadn’t said anything about it, excepting his fatalistic view of a life without future, Rin rightly understood how he felt.

Suddenly, all the tiredness that had loaded him for days fell on him, quickly becoming drowsiness, all the sleep he’d been losing and hadn’t caught, now it had him tied and about to lose consciousness. But for sure, he would at least en up losing his self control.

“Don’t cry,” Haru muttered ducking his head slightly and anticipating a situation that wasn’t really happening.

“I'm not crying!”

“How strange ... I though you would, you’re not afraid to do it if you feel like. You never hide anything like that. And, I could never do it, I ... Maybe I'm not as alive as you are.”

The drowsiness began to take hold of him, first it was language, making his mouth filter loose to say such things, showing how much attention he actually gave to Rin’s actions, which he’d have never said.

The next trick was sensory, his body gave up and unconsciously moved toward the front while Rin moved as well. Then, he felt a strange contact,maybe a hallucination or the initial stroke of a dream, a hint of something he had thought curiously one or maybe a couple of times before. Soft, simple. Rin was very close and he couldn’t be sure whether the contact was real or not, but very vivid.

His mind was wandering so much that all he could think about was darkness, and how Rin managed to hit right in just one motion with such limited visibility, it was probably an aspect of his own romantic nature, some sort of special ability.

Once it  finished and turned his face away, Rin moved the sleepy body of the other against his, tightly. Haru relented, he had no force left  to keep himself up, if it wasn’t for Rin he would have collapsed without any warning. And right there, sustained by him, his eyes closed and finally fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

It was pretty slow and gradual. His consciousness returned with the same flow and rhythm with which the water surrounded him as when he moved into the pool. This time he didn’t felt the heaviness of the previous nights. Haru resisted for a time to open his eyes, it had been a long since the last time he slept that well and he wanted to enjoy it a little more.

Slowly he finally relented and opened his eyes, the darkness of his room was not as deep as the one he had on his rest. It was cold. Silent. He moved his legs becoming aware of their position. He looked down to the sheet to see how he made waves with the movement of his legs, or tried to, the darkness was really thick.

He ran his hands over his face, before getting up and sitting there on the sheets.

“Haru ...?“ He barely heard his name. He turned his head, with his eyes guessing the silhouette of the other, through the dim light coming through the window. That was strange, as far as he could remember, he’d prepared the futon for him to sleep, why was he in his bed?

Rin stood up, clearly he was tired.

“Did I wake you?” Haru whispered while Rin heavily let out a sigh, or maybe a yawn, or something alike. Rin sat in front of him, close enough to percieve his face features, but unfortunately he couldn’t see the intense color of his eyes.

“No... I was awake, I couldn’t sleep.”

Haru didn’t need to ask anything more, Rin showed him a good reason fro his words, though it was somehow strange; He reached out his arm, took the pillow and sat it on him nodding a few times. It is true, he can’t sleep without his pillow.

“Rin ...”

Haru didn’ even ended up deciding what to say when Rin came close and lean his head on his shoulder, his eyes were no loger looking at him.

“Why aren’t you a good pillow anymore? It used to work before...”

Rin's voice was strange, as he perceived it, it was making something startle a little on Haru, maybe something was making him nervous. The breathing of the other on his skin prickle, and his hair falling over his shoulder tickled. He raised a hand and ruffled Rin’s hair, he didn’t know what else he could do besides that, sleepy Rin looked pretty docile and he couldn’t help but play a little.

“You're not doing it right,” Haru spoke closing his eyes and relaxing again.

Rin apparently didn’t find this challenge was funny and moved again, returning to his previous position on the mattress and pulling Haru with him. He accommodated Haru just as he needed him to be and then the silence returned to the room.

He finished a little hectic with that surprise juggling of which he was victim, Haru was curled up in bed, his knees pressed to the wall and his nose only inches away from doing it too, Rin's arms were locked up on him, one around his waist and the other below his neck like a cushion, passing below his face and with his hand resting on his shoulder.

On his back, strongly, Rin’s pulse hit him, invading and paralyzing him; and his breathing behind his head did nothing but send one chill after another though his skin. Haru had clasped his hands on the mattress, crumpling the sheet in front of his face shamefully.

“Did it work?” Asked Haru, without bearing to spend another minute in that position, if he stayed silent any longer he would probably go crazy listening to his own pulse.

“If you keep talking, I won’t be able to sleep.”

“I'm not talking.”

“Shut Up.” It was funny how Rin could remain as consistent in his unconsciousness.

“I said nothing!”

“Haru, shut up!”

It was a ridiculous argument that lead to nowhere, despite knowing it, Haru was in it strongly and not up to be defeated. With him, everything was always so competitive, then he end up to have Rin fedded up with this, it was always him who ended the discussions. On second thought, maybe it was him with who he argued the most, with who he spoke more...

He made him turn, took his arm and moved him so fast that it was hard to determine when did he finished with his back to the wall. He was about to claim and demand an explanation when he was interrupted, rather, sealed, incapacitating his lips to release any word.

Would it be a deja vu? he wasn’t too sure, but he could almost assure that this was something very like to a dream he had before falling asleep. But this time, he was awake, aware enough to identify what was happening. The heat, the contact.

No doubt, it was a kiss.

Haru stayed still, it definitely seemed like he’d lost this time. By contrast, Rin looked pretty quiet, settling back to sleep and having the owner of the house as another accessory of the bed, hugging him again.

“Pillows don’t speak.”

“And you do this with your pillows very often?”

Rin was silent, he needed no light to tell how red his face was.

“No...” He replied, shrugging and hiding his face in Haru, squeezing hard and trying to hide. “I don’t always have this one…”

Again silence. Actually, he wasn’t so surprised. Rin was being very Rin in this line between dreaming and the real world, very romantic, Haru didn’t think he could say anything to that. He couln’t answer, after all, Rin had asked him to keep quiet. Although, what would happen if he’d kept talking?

“Sleep… you need it.” The redhead whispered weeakly, holding him a little tightlier.

 _Look who's talking_ , Haru thought as he settled, the most comfortable position was to hug him too. Rin was right about something, who had spent days tormented by insomnia was him, and he shouldn’t have to let go of the opportunity to catch up some sleep that having Rin at home had presented.

After a couple of minutes, Rin’s breathing let him know he’d fallen asleep, at least he could have a couple of hours to rest before sunrise. Haru couldn’t catch his sleep again, but this didn’t bother him as before, in fact, being awake like this was something he even managed to enjoy, entertaining himself with Rin’s hair while he waited for daylight.


	6. Chapter 6

It was about dusk, but not so dark, it wasn’t that late, but the curtains were closed and the only lamp light on was the one on the secretary’s desk. Actually, there was not that much to see in the waiting room. The decor consisted of some tables, two images of fantasy in cold, almost marine, very beautiful hues; some plants and rare figures on the coffee table and desk. On the table lay a few decorating magazines and a bowl filled with petals of various flowers.

Haru was sitting, there was only one person on hold and apparently the secretary had forgotten he was there, that was the only valid reason which he could think of to justify the carelessness of not turning on the lights of the waiting room.

He sighed. Just as he heard the door’s lock  opening, his blood ran cold inside his veins and his stomach lurched. Unconsciously he pressed his hands over his backpack and returned back to his sences when he heard his name. Haru stood up and walked toward the door, the waiting room was empty again.

The new room was similar to the previous one, just a little, this was far more enlightened. Haru went to a new chair, it was much more comfortable than the reception’s hard chair but he was still a little nervous.

He never thought he would do that. He remained silent for nearly two minutes that seemed like ten, while the doctor sat beside him Haru followed her with his eyes, didn’t know what to say. She started asking questions, he answered simply though being unable  to answer with 'yes' or 'no' complicated him things a bit, the questions were too open. The doctor’d ocasionally wrote down something.

“What do you usually do during class?” She asked after hearing that Haru didn’t really cared about school.

“Sleep ... Or draw.”

“Oh my! Do you like drawing to much?”

Haru didn’t answer, he just looked away in another direction, ending the subject with this gesture.

“Mmm ... And after school, what do you do?”

“Swim In the swimming club.”

She wrote something quickly followed with questions to keep him speaking.

“I’m not interested on the time or rankings. I don’t do it to win.”

Again she wrote. Haru was uneasy, not with that, but with his own response, it was so automatic that surely seem strange to the doctor after hearing that he was in a fair competition at that time. Even he found it a bit weird himself.

“I suppose if you are in such an important competition you have a specialty, what is it?”

“Free.”

“Are you at 100 or 200 meters, Nanase?”

“None, in relays.”

She wrote again.  That she was doing that made him nervous each time. It was annoying to some extent.

“It's a shame, the way in which you talk about swimming makes me think you don’t only like it,  but you're good, very good at it. What happened? Didn’t you registered to any?”

“That's not it... I ...”. Haru clasped his hands and bowed his head, reliving the bitter pill of the individual test. He didn’t want to think about it, it’d have been better not to come.

Definitely she would write that. Haru didn’t look, but listened to the pen on the paper as it  moved.

“Well ... What do they say at home?” He didn’t answered. “Do you live alone?” Haru nodded and she returned to write. “But you receive visits frequently?”

“Yes”  _even if I don’t want to._

“Your teammates?” He nodded, he looked straight again. He couldn’t help but think of how many meetings the swim club had at his home, they were not at all annoying. He had to admit, it was entertaining even occasionally.

“And off the team?”

“But just see him in competitions. Then I can swim with him.”

She wrote again. Haru wasn’t surprised of how short it took to discuss his social life. He wasn’t very social at all.

“And you'll see him in this competition?”

“Yes, although it is different event.” Another note. Haru was a little quieter, but still uncomfortable, as if he had just noticed what he’d said. He couldn’t swim with Rin this time. If he hadn’t seen him before the tournament, he’d surely be feeling worse then.

“BytThe way, Nanase, how long you have before the next phase?”

Haru made accounts, had a couple of weeks between one stage and another, he’d spent the first three days paralyzed by anxiety, that left him 3 more discounting this, and a week before having to go to nationals.

“10 Days”  _just 10 days..._

“I hope you can feel better by then.” The thepaist answered after writing down the count, and she actually sounded sincere. “What will you do after the competition, Nanase? You are about to graduate, what about then?”

In white. Haru was completely paralyzed, he didn’t even had idea of how to change the subject. It was useless, he couldn’t think of anything. Useless. Completely useless. He definitely hated that topic.

What was the good thing about imagining the future? Why? Why does everyone was ready to run after a dream? Why leaving? No. He wouldn’t do that. No. No. No. But if he didn’t do it too, he would be left behind, that's for sure.

“Haven’t you thought of anything?”

“I don’t know.” Rin had it solved, for sure.

“You want to keep swimming professionally?”

“I don’t know.” Rin would be Olympic swimmer at any time.

“How about a trip abroad?”

“I don’t know.” Rin would go back to Australia again, for sure.

“And to continue drawing?”

“I don’t know.” Rin wouldn’t have contact with artists.

“Haven’t you had any suggestions for college?”

“I don’t know” Scouters would have called Rin for sure too.

“ And your teammates? Haven’t they say something?”

“Nothing important.”

As his answers were repeated, Haru was shrinking more and more on his seat. He didn’t even look how much the therapist had writen down. He neither noticed when she put down the notebook, or when she sat opposite him, the only time his mind returned to the room was when he found her squatting in front of him and taking his hand.

“In School you should fill in a small career choice form, right?” she said, the interrogation was finally over. “As I can see, it didn’t helped you at all. How about we make a more detailed one, Nanase? Come tomorrow, try it and we’ll discuss it a bit, okay?”

Haru nodded, the doctor withdrew his hand and stood up. He also rose from his seat.

“Our  time for today is over, can you believe it?” She laughed watching the clock. It didn’t seem to be that amazing to Haru.

He walked to the door and once he crossed back to the waiting room, the doctor stopped following him. Haru faced again the indifferent secretary and areally cold waiting room, the darkness was now stronger and lamplight was still off.

“Until tomorrow, Nanase, cheer up.”

Haru left the building thinking the same thing.  _How long it would take to "cheer up"?_


	7. Chapter 7

He waited one day between the meeting dedicated to the new questionnaire and the next appointment. This left only one week before facing their lane in national and he couldn’t see any change yet.

He walked back home, where he spoke with the doctor was somewhat away from school, therefore, further from home. He was grateful to the distance actually, walking back gave him enough time to recap and relax.

He was tired, but not as it used to happen whenever he jogged, it was different but also  familiar, almost like he was at the beginning of the week, maybe even worse. Surely it was due to diagnosis the doctor concluded.  _Depression_ , depressed and with no future.

He sighed.

He walked slowly,  with downcast eyes, as if it was his duty to recognize his current state. Clearly, Haru was someone sad, walking among people and moved only by inertia, unmotivated and dragging uón himself nothing but a vast emptiness.

Fatigue became annoyance after a few blocks. Knowing he had was much worse and he was coming to the conclusion that having gone to the blasted therapist had only made things worse, only three sessions were enough to leave him even lower.

But it was just so hard! He simply couldn’t find anything that he could care enough to go after it and make it his goal. He couldn’t move forward on that case. Then what? What if he stopped moving permanently? Stopped, absolutely motionless. Would that be the end and nothing more? Anyway, why should he keep going if he wouldn’t get anywhere?

Haru walked unconsciously, he’d almost reached the end of the street while he was  thinking about such things. If he had no future anyways and he’d be left behind, why would he needed to effort?

It was well known that he should stop at the corner, no matter how quiet the road seemed to be, he had to stop and check at the traffic. He knew it, but yet he still took a step. He forgot everything, was really was disconnected, impacted by the name given to his recent state of pessimism. Walking  without thinking about what would happen next was leading him to his downfall. He was so immersed in his desolation that he even took a second step.

He heard the horn and woke up almost at once. His body shook violently, ending at the floor. Unlike what he could thought, he didn’t felt any hit, but a strong tug pulled him back knocking him back on the sidewalk.

“What the hell are you trying to do!?” He heard a familiar voice shouting this kind of things over and over again, various curses and his name. About to cry.

He heard the cars, wind, more alarmed voices and how the other claimed he would take care of him; he heard his pulse and breathing. He was dazed, everything was spinning around, his hands tingled and his legs were shaking. His eyes were open but unfocused on anything, he was stunned and had breathing was huge painful effort.

Haru was lifted off the ground after a while, the other didn’t want to risk after seeing him so shocked and decided to carry him. Haru settled instinctively, wrapping his arms over Rin’s shoulders and burying his head next to his neck, red hair was molding to him with the movement of Rin walking. Only then, Haru could realize what had happened.

It didn’t matter how strong Rin was, He would get tired of carrying Haru and he wouldn’t  get him like that all the way to his house. When this happened, he made Haru go all the way on his own, away from the street and being watched by him. A deadly silence pressed them until they reached the top of the stairs to get to Haru’s place.

When they entered the house, night was already there. Haru moved quickly after leaving his shoes at the entrance, he climbed the stairs to the second floor with the only intention of disappearing and forget everything. But it was obvious that Rin wouldn’t leave him just like that.

After closing the door, he followed Haru trying to catch up with him.

He did not even bother to shut his room, Haru drawled in the bed and hid under the covers. When he heard Rin enter the room, he wasn’t even able to make him go away, he couldn’t manage to say a thing, the only thing he could do was to compress his body, shutting himself to anything from the outside.

Rin went to bed steping on it, Haru was about to panic, it had been enough. Rin had his life settled, he had a dream and a plan to get there unlike him. Why on earth was he so insistent on messing with him? It was so much easier to leavehim and nothing else!

“Are you serious !?” Rin sounded out of himself. He was pulled the sheets to take them from him, Haru resisted, refusing to let go of them and get expossed “Seriously !?”

“No! Go away!” Haru said. Rin pulled the sheets away from him, how odious it was that he was that strong!

“Seriously?” Haru was forced up, pinning his wrists and making him look at directly to his face. Haru tried not to at all cost, pushing and trying to escape form him.

“Leave me alone!”

“You, suicidal!”

“Of course not, you idiot! Go Away!”

“Haru, you  jumped right to the road” He said it, Haru was frightened.

“NO! I wasn’t thinking, it was slip-up! Leave me alone!”

“How did you come to do that!?”

“Stop it, Rin!” Haru bowed his head, Rin even stoppwas still grabbing  his arms. He surrendered, he was trembling, terrified. It was true, he almost... “Stop it...”

Finally, Rin let go. Both kept quiet. It was strange to see Rin running out of words, and he also wasn’t sure of what to say. He had nothing clear at all.

Without another word, Haru lay back on the mattress, convinced that Rin would leave, but not of how good it would be for him. He closed his eyes, furiously trying to sleep on and disconnect himself.

“You didn’t wanted to do it, right?” Rin asked after almost a minute in silence.

“No…”

Rin lay down like the last night he’d been there, stuck to Haru and hiding behind him holding him naturally.

“Don’t think of it. Don’t do it” His arms trembled and his voice seemed to crack. Haru could notice how much he struggled not to cry.

 _Why not?_  He thought to ask, but he knew it would be pretty stupid to. Rin would probably be worse if he said something like that right then.

“I've thought a lot about all that has happened” The redhead continued as if he couldn’t help but speak. ” The tournament and the last time. You have no idea how scared you had me, I knew you were sad, but... Now everything got worse...”

Haru did nothing for a moment he thought of apologizing, the reason didn’t mattered, he thought it was just what he should say in a situation like that.

“I don’t like seeing you like this. You make me wonder where’s the Haru I know.”

It was cusious for him to mention that. It was how Haru’d felt when he and Rin met again at  Iwatobi’s swimming club in the middle of the night, that person was a stranger compared with his memories of him. Actually, this was very similar to what happened a year ago. Rin was trying to save him, just like he did when he cahsed after him during the tournament.

What a horrible feeling! Knowing that now Rin was in his place, suffering for the other. He wanted to move, to turn and reach him, but he couldn’t move a single inch.

“How do you do it?” Haru asked very softly.  “How can you do these things? How is it that you have everything planned, so clearly? Why can’t I?”

“I don’t have everything resolved” Haru’s intermission apparently calmed Rin down, at least enought time to delay his tears “I have to think a lot before deciding on something.   I try to coordinate everything that I’m interested on, consider the possibilities...”

Haru nodded even when the other couldn’t see him, he was calmer now, not only at what Rin had said, but because he managed to calm him down. Speaking with Rin was more effective than being locked with a therapist.

“Haru ... I’m sorry for being so selfish,”  he murttered close to his ear, making him shiver and move a little. Rin pulled him back to his heat, “It’s  just that I can’t help it if it’s you.”

Having Rin so close and not being able to shelter in fatigue was strange.  It made him nervous, even more when he found himself thinking about the last night he spent there with him.

“Rin... the futon.”

“Leave it, I’m fine like this.” He whispered and tightned him again, causing another shiver.

Despite what he said, Haru had no intention on getting up and getting the futon det. Not even to get up, actually. He was comfortable like that, calm and even enjoying the thrill that the other hugging him made.

On the back of his head, Rin breathed quietly, his lips so close to his back bristling his skin. He couldn’t take it anymore and rolled over. Instead of getting away or pushing Rin, he hid in him, carrying his own breathing to the base of the other's neck, causing him the same he felt before.

After a time playing with it, he pulled back and tried to see Rin between all the darkness. As little far as he could tell, he had his eyes squeezed shut, Haru could guess how much red there were on him for sure, besides his hair, obviously it was also tinting his face. And he couldn’t take his eyes off him until Rin relaxed his expression and opened his. Then, right in front of that image, Haru couldn’t resist anymore.

Helping himself with his hands to find the limits of Rin's face and cup it, he got closer and left on his lips the answer to the two kisses that he received before in the same room.

Rin was right about many things. It was obvious that Haru was, and had been for a long time in the same frequency as him.

When he was done with that, Haru was embraced again and requested to keep going with what he begun, to which he agreed very clearly.

He could feel better. Even with his eyes shut,  if he knew that Rin was near he could feel on ease, he forgot everything and it was easier. Only the two of them. He would even leave his troubles if he carried on with this.

It was him whom he was more comfortable, the only one that counted in and out of the water. And he didn’t had to think more about what he wanted. Still, Rin, without asking him once, but assuming the answer he’d get, decided to show him something he’d never seen before. A peak of the world that he wanted to get in, clearly inviting him to go with him.

Haru, still with some insecurities attached to it, walked after him, following him instinctively to the airport, hoping that everything would be resolved before returning home.


End file.
